“You’re so smart!” The problem is, that just might be the worst thing you could say to a developing child. Educators and child psychologists alike are closely associating the once-positive descriptor with a belief system that such a child can do no wrong. There is a growing movement aimed at retiring the word completely in parenting. Educators and psychologists believe, “The idea is that when we praise kids for being smart, those kids think: ‘Oh good, I’m smart.’ And then later, when those kids mess up, which they will, they think: ‘Oh no, I’m not smart after all. People will think I’m not smart after all.’ And that’s the worst. That’s a risk to avoid, they learn. ‘Smart’ kids stand to become especially averse to making mistakes, which are critical to learning and succeeding.” RELATED: Kids With Low Self-Esteem Get It From Their Parents, Says Science In fact, those who are labeled as “smart” or “gifted” are often less likely than other children to challenge themselves. They make fewer mistakes, perhaps, but only because they stay in their comfort zone and stop growing and adapting to new challenges, which makes it harder in the future for them to apply themselves.
Which “Smart” Kids Are Most at Risk
Jo Boaler, a professor of Mathematics Education at Stanford University, notes that this “fixed mindset” persists into adulthood and is most damaging to an important demographic of kids: high-achieving girls. Why? “Because it’s girls who are told by society that they probably won’t be as good as boys at math and science,” Boaler says. “That means girls are only more likely to avoid challenging themselves in science and math, and that aversion to making mistakes leads to less learning and progress. The more that certain disciplines cling to ideas of giftedness, the fewer female PhDs there are in those fields.” RELATED: This Type Of Parenting Style Is Making Your Kid A Narcissist
What To Say Instead of “You’re Smart”
So, what can you do as parents to encourage your children without stifling them? Instead of saying a general statement like “you are smart,” make your response specific to the situation. Instead, try: “You did a great job!” or, “You worked really hard, and it paid off!” And if “smart” is banned, calling someone “a math person” is on the watch list, too. Labeling someone as inherently “a science person” or “not a science person” is just as damaging, because it doesn’t afford the opportunity for growth and development. Boaler even goes so far as to recommend parents show sympathy when a child gets a perfect score on a test because they weren’t given the chance to learn from their mistakes. He explains, “When we give kids the message that mistakes are good, that successful people make mistakes, it can change their entire trajectory.” RELATED: Why Trust Between Parents And Kids Only Works With Effective Communication Kate Schweitzer is a Senior Editor of PopSugar Family. Follow her on Twitter. This article was originally published at PopSugar. Reprinted with permission from the author.
