Trust issues are pretty commonplace in relationships, and betrayal can set back someone’s ability to trust a new love for years, which could add unnecessary strain to you both. RELATED: Why You Have Trust Issues — And 5 Ways You Can Start Putting Your Faith In Others But as hard as it may seem, you can learn how to let go of the past and move on so you can keep former problems and heartache from destroying the great thing you’ve found with someone new. If you have known the pain of betrayal, you have also known the fear of fully trusting again. Trust may be the most powerful asset humans possess and the most difficult and painful to lose. In order to determine how to establish better trust, it’s important to understand what trust means in a relationship. A quick way to figure this out is by learning what I refer to as the five pillars of trust. RELATED: 5 Ways To Keep Trust Issues From Destroying Your Relationship In personal relationships, especially marriages, trust is the foundation for relationship satisfaction and longevity. Because human beings are wired to pair bonds, a lack of trust at home can be extremely destabilizing. This can have a negative impact on your confidence in other personal and work relationships. Gaining a clear understanding of the five pillars of trust will change your life and allow you to feel safe in healthy relationships.
If you want to know whether or not you can trust the person you’re currently falling in love with taking a moment to review this checklist and find out.
1. Transparency
Is the person you are in a relationship with an open book? Are you an open book with this person? Everyone needs at least one person you are completely transparent with, someone you can reveal the truth of your humanity, and with whom there can be an exchange about the truth of the good, the bad, and the ugly of who you both are.
2. Reciprocity
Every high-trust relationship must have the capacity to be responsive to each other’s felt and real needs. You learn to test the validity of what you’re feeling by getting feedback from the person you trust the most. To share how you feel is risky business. There is always the chance that your feelings are not based on reality. Nevertheless, they are real and can be painful to you. You know you’re trusted when you can share your unfiltered feelings with another person without fear of judgment. This kind of sensitive responsiveness needs to go back and forth. Without it, transparency will be compromised and confidence in the relationship will not grow. RELATED: 5 Common Signs Of Trust Issues & How To Deal With Them
3. Understanding
In your most trusted relationships, you need to hear the other person respond to you with compassionate understanding. When you don’t feel understood, you will shut down and stop sharing. The truth is that few people really do understand who you are. As a result, you have to be discerning about how you open up with people who don’t know the big picture of your life. There are people like therapists who are extremely skilled at understanding and validating human behavior. A friend who has known you for years can provide the same kind of acceptance.
4. Safety
Trustworthy relationships are safe. They will protect the sacredness of your deepest secrets. They will never use your words against you. If you’re married, they will be careful not to form emotional or physically intimate relationships with others. They will stand up for you and offer help when you’re in need. They will nurture and protect your children Trustworthy people always tell the truth. You can trust them with your money. They have spiritual values that lead them to place the interests of others ahead of their own.
5. Time
Time management is a measure of trust. You only have a limited number of hours in this life. People you can trust appreciate and steward the time we offer them. They also manage their time well in their personal lives and in their places of employment. In marriages, they take the time daily to listen and understand. They place time with us above all other priorities. They take personal time for their own physical, emotional and spiritual development. Your brain is wired to require an emotional connection, intellectual stimulation, and physical comfort. You need people you deeply trust to meet these needs. Transparency, reciprocity, understanding, safety, and time (T.R.U.S.T.) are the pillars that form the foundation for lifelong trusting relationships. In a world of light-touch social media connections, you need to be intentional to form a few tried and true relationships that you can trust with the fabric of your life. RELATED: 9 Tried-And-True Signs You’re In A Genuinely Healthy Relationship Michael W. Regier, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and certified emotionally focused couples therapist and EFT supervisor/ He and his wife Paula are authors of the book Emotional Connection: The Story & Science of Preventing Conflict and Creating Lifetime Love. This article was originally published at Michael Regier. Reprinted with permission from the author.
