No matter who you date, they will not be perfect. And in order to avoid hurt feelings in a relationship, there are certain ways you shouldn’t act. This means that your partner will have flaws, will not always be a Kodak-moment person, and will also have a set of feelings of their own. Since your partner will be human, you need to make sure that you show love and care for them, particularly when it comes to sensitive subjects. Wondering if you’ve crossed a line with your partner? Here are the signs your partner has hurt feelings in a relationship — and you are the cause of it. RELATED: 7 Signs You’re Being Emotionally Invalidated By Your Partner — And What To Do About It
13 Signs you hurt your significant other’s feelings
1. They stopped nagging you about that thing you never do.
People tend to think that seeing someone stop complaining is a good thing, but it’s not. Generally speaking, if they kept asking you to do it and you never did, their cessation of asking means they gave up on you. That’s a sign they no longer want to try to tackle issues because they feel too hurt and discouraged to bother with trying.
2. When they say they’re “fine,” you can tell they aren’t fine.
Many people who have grown up in tough situations don’t want to admit when they’re hurt out of fear of confrontation. So, they bottle it up. They’ll tell you they’re fine, but they’ll seem more distant or sad around you.
3. If you were emotionally honest with yourself, you know you did something hurtful.
If what you did would have upset you, it’s very likely that it would upset your partner, too. It’s way better to admit guilt and realize when you’ve done something hurtful than it is to try to brush it under the rug.
4. You’ve noticed your partner giving you the “how could you” look.
You know which look I’m talking about. It’s that one, inimitable, unmistakable look that people give when they really, truly are hurt. If your partner regularly looks at you with the same expression of a kicked puppy, you probably hurt them pretty badly.
5. Though your partner is normally mellow, they’re shouting at you and crying.
It takes a lot for a person who’s almost always on a calm, even keel to get riled up and turned up to eleven like they are in this moment. If they’re this upset, chances are you may have done something that got them that angry beyond just tripping a wire.
6. Your partner’s friends become icy towardyou when it never used to be that way.
The main reason why someone’s friends turn against you is that they have heard you upset your partner. If it’s gotten to the point that they don’t want to talk to you, your partner may have complained that you seriously upset them. RELATED: How To Apologize Effectively & With Sincerity
7. There’s no more affection between you.
No hand-holding, no kissing, just a few forced-feeling hugs here and there — all these are signs that something’s seriously wrong with your partnership. If this is a recent development, then it’s safe to say you may have caused your partner enough pain to push them away from wanting any kind of intimacy with you whatsoever.
8. You’re noticing that your partner is “uncoupling.”
If you really messed up enough to warrant a breakup, you’ll probably notice some uncoupling taking place. This is a series of behaviors that people do right before they leave, such as adding distance between you two, prioritizing others, putting their finances in order, and other acts that separate themselves from you.
9. Your partner is now resorting to passive-aggressive tactics around you.
Passive aggression is not healthy in any relationship, and, frankly, has become a dealbreaker in my book. If they’ve gotten to the point that passive-aggressive digs and sniping remarks are the norm, they clearly are hurt. However, they are also incapable of addressing this in a healthy manner, at this point. In this situation, it’s often best for both parties to call it quits.
10. Trying to talk to them about anything is like pulling teeth.
A partner that no longer wants to speak to you about anything is a partner who has probably had enough of trying to talk to you. Once again, if it’s gotten to this stage, whatever has been going on has effectively killed the relationship, and that means it’s no longer salvageable in most cases.
11. They say things like, “Do you even listen when I’m talking to you?”
There are very few things as hurtful as feeling, or, worse, genuinely being ignored by someone you care about. If your partner feels like you don’t listen to them and, including details that are important to the things they talk to you about, they — like anyone else, yourself included — will feel like they don’t matter to you. And that’s hurtful to any significant other.
12. They make off-handed jokes about leaving.
Whether we like to admit it or not, there’s a lot of underlying truth to our individual senses of humor and how we express them. If they’re joking about leaving you, you shouldn’t take this lately. They’re probably really thinking about it because they’re shouldering a lot of hurt you caused them.
13. Your partner straight-up told you that you hurt them.
If your partner has actually told you that something you did was hurtful, listen to them. At this point, they are saying that your behavior is upsetting them and that they want to continue the relationship, but they need to feel heard and understood. Listen to them and work with them if you want to keep them.
What you can do about it
It can be difficult to accept responsibility in a situation, even if you are a self-aware, mature adult, simply because no one ever knows everything about other people’s soft spots, weaknesses, triggers, and emotions. We aren’t all wired the same way. We also never have all the information about everything that may be going on at a given time. So, while you can allow yourself a small amount of grace, you still owe your significant other an apology and the due diligence to take accountability for how you may have hurt them, including doing your best to understand how your words or actions (or both) contributed to the situation at hand. They may not want to talk about it, but you need to be the one to knock on the door and ask if they’re willing to open it and talk things out. Sometimes, everything amounts to what was truly a miscommunication, in which case you can try to clarify what your good intentions were in the moment, but tread carefully, because emotions may be running high for both of you. Perhaps there is a behavior your partner wishes you had not done — maybe even on a repeated basis. In this case, it’s up to you to decide how you wish to proceed. If your partner matters to you more than constantly forgetting to do your share of the household chores, or not checking in when you keep canceling plans on date night so you can hang with the guys, be considerate and start prioritizing your partner from now on in these instances. If you continue running into the same issues, though, or things get even worse, it might be best to consider professional help, or breaking up so you can give each other the chance to find happiness outside of a relationship that isn’t working for either one of you. RELATED: What To Do (And Not Do) When You’re Feeling Neglected By Your Partner Ossiana Tepfenhart is a Jack-of-all-trades writer based out of Red Bank, New Jersey.
